The Wedding Remembered
It’s been ten glorious years as man and wife for the Cookes, and they wanted to celebrate in style. So, with some people taking advantage of their hospitality and staying for the week, all was set for some fun in the sun.
Where were we?
There was some dispute as to whether we had actually visited Jersey, or a parallel universe called Shirly island. When questioned on the matter, Adi said “It’s bloody well nothing to do with that lazy good for nothing. If I wanted to I could have him deported, and if he continues to insist on calling it Shirly island we might not last to our eleventh anniversary.” Shirl though was having none of it, and was pictured here surveying his domain.
Burying someone is fun…
Shirl brought all his engineering skills to the beach when he gave the kiddies a lesson in how to bury someone in the sand. Freddie proved a willing victim, and the kiddies listened with intent.
Shirl was then less than impressed as the kiddies buried him even more effectively, and Ben took to smacking him around the head with his spade.
Once the job was done and our man was gone, Grace and Freddie debated how long someone could survive under the sand. Fortunately the tide came and uncovered what the lifeguards initially took to be a beach whale, before realising they had bought a tele from the man.
Alan proving once more he could fall asleep anywhere dozed fitfully in the zoo, only to wake up next to his long lost twin. Apparently separated at birth, only vigorous shaving and an ability to count beans had kept Alan on this side of the glass. Luckily on a vote of who should stay in the zoo and who should be released, Alan won by whisker.
Upon his release, Alan was then happy to spend many a happy hour enlightening these excited souls about the financial implications of running a zoo. Freddy has since put himself up for adoption.
WHO GOT ALL THE KIDS?
Jackie decided to prove she could handle more than one child by pretending she was actually the mother of several more.
However this didn’t go down well with all the other mothers, despite being given the chance to visit places like the “Blue Frills” club where Jane enjoyed the excitement of a cup of hot chocolate and a creamy donought, but sadly all alone.
However Jane needn’t have worried as all the other kids soon deserted Jackie when she tried to enforce her pink hat rule upon them.
Mad for sports
Proving sport was indeed for all, Alan led the way with his demonstration of basketball. However, his playing style was hampered by the lack of his luminous orange sweatshirt, his staple sports gear for the last ten years.
Shirl on the other hand adopted for motorsports, cunningly racing himself on an empty track until he broke the cart.
Alan responded to criticism that he was “rubbish” by taking on a heavily pregnant woman at golf. Wisely he also lost that, after heeding warnings that hormone levels were running particularly high.
To prove his manhood, Howard adopted a different approach by throwing his weight around on the trampoline. Luckily only one child required hospital treatment after a small squashing incident.
I don’t do drinking
Despite his prowess at drinking, Shirl remained mature and aloof from the childish whisky drinking competion. No amount of cuddling, boysie talk or tongue-touching was going to convince him to drink with the big boys.
As the paparazzi snapped away at the happy threesome, Shirl just smiled the smile of a man who had already supped a couple of bottles of wine and couldn’t make out whether Alan was really attractive.
So the boys started without him. The only question being would they finish without him or would the great man rise to the bait?
I BROUGHT MY MAN ALONG
Jane had hers in a headlock looking slighly scared. Adi had hers on a tight leash. Indeed many of the ladies there had brought their young men with them to entertain and be charming. Sarah on the other hand had raided the store window at John Lewis and brought along the sportswear display model.
Teach it to us
Whilst some people entertained their tables with witty stories and funny jokes, others reverted to more obvious means. The picture below shows the old turkey tea towel joke that everyone learns at school being wheeled out once more to some polite titters. But how comes we all learnt this at school? Well as the teacher below demonstrates, there’s more to education than passing exams. A few life-skills are necessary to prepare our kiddies for those moments when they’re at a dinner party and the conversation dies….
Binary man was “on” for most of the evening as he tried to convince everyone (including his wife) that he was actually a male model who could get away with wearing brown cord suits in downtown London.
When he thought no one was looking he treated some of his friends to some one-on-one action with their cameras. Claiming that he had been taught by the master, Alan maserfully took shot after shot of himself to prove that he had actually managed to last the evening without falling asleep.
His wife however was despairing, crying “Get a life Alan, and preferably one that doesn’t involve living in some squalid European city thousands of miles from anyone we know.” Unfortunately this passed over the great man’s head. Binary man had reached point zero.
WHAT HAPPENED THERE?
Well the evidence seemed clear enough. A full glass of whisky on the table and no Shirl in sight. Could it be that whisky drinking competitions have been consigned to the “something I did when I was young and foolish” dustbin?Speaking of young and foolish, the photo below shows the point at which John and Alan were testing the theory that whisky was also a good hair dye. John who regularly dyes his hair jet black for the ladies said “It’s better than Guiness. With that you have to drink so much it seeps out of your brain and oxidises your hair roots.” Nice.