Puddledick-Pain – It’s all very wrong

Our very own Mr Justin Puddledick-Pain shares some of his view on the world…

One of my colleagues asked me over a glass of champers last night, “How do you go about fixing a young lady’s watch, they’re deuced fiddly you know?”

“My dear friend”, I replied. “You’ve no need to worry. Tell her she should be using the one on the oven.”

This of course got me thinking. There are probably hundreds of chaps out there who just don’t know how a woman thinks. So I thought I’d share a couple of thoughts with you, that have shaped my success with women over the years.

For example, how many men does it take to open a beer? None of course chaps! It should be opened by the time she brings it to you – preferably in that skimpy little outfit you bought her for Christmas, what! Then, if the dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

The dog, of course. He’ll go quiet once you let him in. Finally be warned that scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 90%. It’s called a Wedding Cake. Ho ho ho, that’s exhausted my good humour.

Anyway, must dash. Been asked to sort out the problems with the economy, don’t you know. “Quite simple”, I told the PM. “It means selling the Isle of Wight and parts of Ireland to fund a gambling spree in Las Vegas, and then with the winnings we can invest in the good of the country.” Luckily for him, I’m the man for the job. Small island in the channel anyone?