Puddledick-Pain on Dating

Puddledick-Pain, financier, philanthropist and general cad casts his eyes over the world we live in and offers his opinions,this time on dating

Note: Any views contained in these pages and not those of the management. Read at your own discretion.

I found this little video when I was clearing out my boudoir the other day. As I rummaged through my selection of good conservative ties, I stumbled on the video [click on icon right] on a USB stick I had been using to carry some photos of some of my personal assistance (as part of the interview process you know).

Not sure who gave it to me, but it did provide me with a comforting view of the fairer sex and the dating game. Damn confusing things women.

For example, I have many people working for me, and I split ’em into two categories. Women and men. Bloody obvious really, but it makes my life a lot easier. Ask the men for intelligent conversation, good humour, jolly banter and a glass of quality brandy after a hard day entertaining clients. As for the women, well that’s how the photocopying gets done.

I did have a bit of trouble recently when some long legged lovely had the impertinence to question my professional judgement. “Look my love,” I said, patting her head to calm the sweet little thing down, “if you had my experience and intellectual nouse you’d understand I was completely right. Now you run along and that’s two sugars in my coffee.”

To prove my point she got quite hysterical at this point, so I offered to take her down to the Blackfriars for a small Babysham and a good seeing to. And do you know what? The ungrateful little madam only turned me down point blank. Which just goes to show, you can’t reason with women in the workplace. Show them a pile of filing, tell them it’s like ironing and walk away and leave them happy”.

Puddledick-Pain – It’s all very wrong

Our very own Mr Justin Puddledick-Pain shares some of his view on the world…

One of my colleagues asked me over a glass of champers last night, “How do you go about fixing a young lady’s watch, they’re deuced fiddly you know?”

“My dear friend”, I replied. “You’ve no need to worry. Tell her she should be using the one on the oven.”

This of course got me thinking. There are probably hundreds of chaps out there who just don’t know how a woman thinks. So I thought I’d share a couple of thoughts with you, that have shaped my success with women over the years.

For example, how many men does it take to open a beer? None of course chaps! It should be opened by the time she brings it to you – preferably in that skimpy little outfit you bought her for Christmas, what! Then, if the dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

The dog, of course. He’ll go quiet once you let him in. Finally be warned that scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 90%. It’s called a Wedding Cake. Ho ho ho, that’s exhausted my good humour.

Anyway, must dash. Been asked to sort out the problems with the economy, don’t you know. “Quite simple”, I told the PM. “It means selling the Isle of Wight and parts of Ireland to fund a gambling spree in Las Vegas, and then with the winnings we can invest in the good of the country.” Luckily for him, I’m the man for the job. Small island in the channel anyone?