Puddledick-Pain on Dating

Puddledick-Pain, financier, philanthropist and general cad casts his eyes over the world we live in and offers his opinions,this time on dating

Note: Any views contained in these pages and not those of the management. Read at your own discretion.

I found this little video when I was clearing out my boudoir the other day. As I rummaged through my selection of good conservative ties, I stumbled on the video [click on icon right] on a USB stick I had been using to carry some photos of some of my personal assistance (as part of the interview process you know).

Not sure who gave it to me, but it did provide me with a comforting view of the fairer sex and the dating game. Damn confusing things women.

For example, I have many people working for me, and I split ’em into two categories. Women and men. Bloody obvious really, but it makes my life a lot easier. Ask the men for intelligent conversation, good humour, jolly banter and a glass of quality brandy after a hard day entertaining clients. As for the women, well that’s how the photocopying gets done.

I did have a bit of trouble recently when some long legged lovely had the impertinence to question my professional judgement. “Look my love,” I said, patting her head to calm the sweet little thing down, “if you had my experience and intellectual nouse you’d understand I was completely right. Now you run along and that’s two sugars in my coffee.”

To prove my point she got quite hysterical at this point, so I offered to take her down to the Blackfriars for a small Babysham and a good seeing to. And do you know what? The ungrateful little madam only turned me down point blank. Which just goes to show, you can’t reason with women in the workplace. Show them a pile of filing, tell them it’s like ironing and walk away and leave them happy”.

Mojo Resigning

Years of hiding as a pirate following the collapse of one of the UK’s leading retail banks came to end recently for Mr Mojo.

Following detailed investigations, some harassment with old photos, and the promise of a piece of cake, Mr Mojo opened up his kimono to reveal what he’s been doing since those heady days of high finance.

Here we can learn a little more about the random walk process for career choices, something about how not to be a dot.com millionaire and how best to blow a promising career.

On resignations…

Having recently resigned from my latest job, I feel it is a good time to reflect on my achievements working for my German paymasters. Firstly, it should be noted that the company is still in existence at the present time, which must be counted as a success of sorts. Admittedly, I can’t promise how it will fare over the coming months, but for all you investors out there, it might not be a bad time to redue your exposure to the German stock exchange.

I must admit though I was touched by the fond farewells. Ok, so there was no leaving card, drinks, meal, present or the like, but at least a couple of people said I would be sorely missed as they fought over my phone and laptop. Perhaps if they’d expressed those same positive sentiments slightly earlier in the process I could have been persuaded to stay. Obviously those positive sentiments would also have had to been linked to higher pay, more holidays and a better quality coffee from the canteen.

I was also slightly disappointed by the informality of it all. Gone are the days of handing over the handwritten note explaining your reasons for going. Now it’s a case of ‘drop me an email and we’ll see when we can be bothered to let you go’. It makes all the agonising over making the decision seem rather pointless, as the ease with which you can leap into the process suggests you could make a hobby of the whole thing.

Note: Since the publication of this said company has indeed ceased to exist.

Puddledick-Pain – It’s all very wrong

Our very own Mr Justin Puddledick-Pain shares some of his view on the world…

One of my colleagues asked me over a glass of champers last night, “How do you go about fixing a young lady’s watch, they’re deuced fiddly you know?”

“My dear friend”, I replied. “You’ve no need to worry. Tell her she should be using the one on the oven.”

This of course got me thinking. There are probably hundreds of chaps out there who just don’t know how a woman thinks. So I thought I’d share a couple of thoughts with you, that have shaped my success with women over the years.

For example, how many men does it take to open a beer? None of course chaps! It should be opened by the time she brings it to you – preferably in that skimpy little outfit you bought her for Christmas, what! Then, if the dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

The dog, of course. He’ll go quiet once you let him in. Finally be warned that scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 90%. It’s called a Wedding Cake. Ho ho ho, that’s exhausted my good humour.

Anyway, must dash. Been asked to sort out the problems with the economy, don’t you know. “Quite simple”, I told the PM. “It means selling the Isle of Wight and parts of Ireland to fund a gambling spree in Las Vegas, and then with the winnings we can invest in the good of the country.” Luckily for him, I’m the man for the job. Small island in the channel anyone?

Teacher Talks

The Doctor pontificates…

On Whiskey…

Well you don’t spell it “Whiskey” for a start , do you?

Anyway what matters is that it’s not spelt “Chivers Regal” as that’s not even whisky let alone whiskey. What matters even more is being able to tell the difference between whisky and milk, which is bloody simple as long as you can see the label.

Anyway, at least I can drink more than most. Here you can see my first championship win back in the summer of ’87. The secret of winning a whisky drinking competition is mixing it with water and pretending it’s a pint full. Just don’t tell the others, they wouldn’t understand.

On Samphire Hoe…a Dovorian nature reserve…

It obviously is named after either “marsh samphire” a form of edible seaweed used in pickles and now found in England around the North Norfolk coast where it may only be collected for personal use and not for selling to trendy London restaurants. Or, more likely given the location, after “rock samphire” which is a cliff plant with fleshy leaves used in similar pickles (which I didn’t know existed until I looked it up). And from “hoe”, a projecting ridge of land, see also the Scottish “heugh” or “heuch” – a cliff.

Ten minutes later…

Hang on – I’ve been doing my research here, Samphire Hoe is a bloody mound built from tunnel spoilings and named by a competition winner. You are quite right to misspell. It’s just like boat mcboat face.


Eye Candy – An Opticians Life

He knew what he wanted to be when he grew up, but everyone persuaded him it wasn’t a good idea to be a hairdresser. A career as an optician looked appealing when viewed through the lens of an outdated physics lab. Undaunted this young hero broke onto the scene spectacularly, testing eyes right and left.



Unfortunately, no one warned him of how working with the old and infirm in Bridport, two children and a house held together by sellotape would take its toll over the years. Step by inglorious step he aged, until his summers became one long seat on the beach waiting for the next round of fish and chips to come his way.




The descent of a fine man was complete…